hey remember that time i got grounded because i saw my dads girlfriend in the car and then saw my dad putting the dog in the back of the car and asked why he was bringing both the dogs with us
(via heyfunniest)
-
- (I work in a Coffee Shop. I was on break in the lobby when a couple walks in. Directly behind them is a cute little boy in Batman costume.)
-
- Me:
- “Oh my God! It’s BATMAN!”
-
- (The boy stops, strikes a pose and starts looking around menacingly. After a few seconds, he approaches the counter.)
-
- Mother:
- “Jeff, would you like a chocolate milk?”
-
- Boy:
- “I am not Jeff. I am The Batman.”
-
- Mother:
- “The Batman, would you like a chocolate milk?”
-
- Boy:
- “Yes. Yes, The Batman would.”
-
- (The couple pays while the boy sits down with his chocolate milk. He keeps a stern look on his face as he sips the drink.)
-
- Boy:
- *sips* “Gotham is safe.”
I hate when people make fun of people who work at McDonalds/Subway/wherever, shut the fuck up, they’ve got a job, they’re doing honest work for honest pay, do you know how hard it is to get a job nowadays, leave them the fuck alone
bless you kind soul, I salt those fries with my tears
(via z0mbie-pirate)
the bag my necklaces came in was tiny and my dad just looks at me and says “this is what they sell cocaine in on the streets” and his eyes lit up and he put some baking powder into the bag and put it on the counter and i was like what are you doing… and he was like “i’m going to tell your mom that we found this in your brother’s pocket” jesus christ
(via ohh-hey)
is that butter
no it’s stonehenge
(Source: anormaux, via leonmcgann)
